americasuitehearts

how do you admit that you need help?

i really should be happy right now. im moved out of my grandma’s house. im in my family’s new forever home. i have a lot friends who actually care about me. im never lonely and im always laughing. it’s winter break and christmas is days away. but im not. i can’t just be happy and i dont know why.

i relapsed again today. i haven’t cut myself in months. i think this stupid journal is the first time ive ever admitted that. fuck. i sat in the floor of my shower for 30 minutes straight. i need something to stop me from feeling so dirty. under everything, there’s this constant static in my brain. i just want it to shut up.

i had a panic attack for the first time in a while. i was doing my midterms—which were awfully written by the way. they had to remove like 6 questions because they didn’t make sense. but i ran out of time on the test, and i started just hyperventilating. i couldn’t think straight. i have an iep, which stands for individual education plan. i have extra time, ive just never used it before. my math teacher let me finish my test in the back room and gave me a stress ball. he’s an amazing teacher. but, like, that was the first time i ever recognized myself as special needs. i know i am medically. i have pretty bad anxiety, and it sucks, but ive always just dealt with it. i have to be the perfect child, the one that doesn’t need help with anything. it feels weird realizing that i need help sometimes.

sometimes i wish i was religious. i wish i had some god to look up to when i feel like this. but i force myself to believe im something i don’t. if god knows im writing this, why did you make me like this? i dont know how it works, but ive tried praying before when i was younger. i never got an answer.

my cat is sitting next to me as i write this. she says hi. sorry i haven’t been writing much. i don’t really have an excuse. peace out.

-r