“I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel.”
Wed, Jul. 23rd, 2025 08:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
americasuiteheartseither im too insecure or im insufferable, i dont there’s any other option. no matter how many friend i make and how much time i spend with my family, i feel so fucking alone. why cant i just be normal?
i just it started with my friend b. i love b, she’s my best friend, but i know im not hers. this happens a lot; anyone i care about doesn’t seem to care about me back, at least, not as much as i do. do i think b cares about me? yeah, but she’s my number 1 person. we’ve drifted apart a little this past year, but she’s my best friend! and ive been trying to keep us good friends, y’know. i try to set up for us to hang out and i text her and talk to her, but recently i don’t think she really wants to hang out with me. i asked her if she wanted to come over and she had to cancel, which i understand of course. she had an actual reason to cancel. but i told her to text me whenever she wants to hang out or whatever, and she hasn’t. we’ve talked, but only when i text her first. am i being needy? like, i have to be. she hasn’t done anything to make me think she doesn’t like me. i mean, she was there on my side when me and t broke up (thats a whole other thing i prob should write about since therapy is expensive lol), so maybe its just me? am i being to much? is my brain a fucking liar and getting me stressed out over nothing? idk.
this has been a common theme my entire life— i can’t get people right. i want people to love me so fucking bad, and then i run away before they can learn to hate me. it has to be me, right? im just unloveable, is that why they let me leave? is that why they can walk away without looking back? is that fucking why my dad can be fine without ever seeing me again? im so used to being alone that letting someone in is so scary.
also, i think im just a bad friend picker. take t for example, she is probably the most problematic and kinda shitty person ive ever met, and i still loved her. okay, maybe that description is intense but it’s fucking true. ask anyone that has ever met her. and I really cared about her, okay? why else would have she been my best friend and girlfriend for the past 2 years? she just… doesn’t care about people. first, i realized after we broke up that she is totally fucking racist. she white as hell btw, and I’ve seen her tell like random latino kids that she hopes they get deported next. like what??? to be fair, the group of boys were calling me and her faggots, but i wouldn’t have fucking said that to them. second, she likes to grope my friends and she was spending the night at her ex-boyfriend’s place almost every night. kinda red flag. i realize this if definitely off track from what i was originally talking about, but it’s my journal so who cares. it’s a public journal, but im really not expecting anyone to care about some girl’s complaints led emotions. i think im still mad at her for everything. she wasn’t a bad girlfriend, but i wasn’t really her girlfriend. i was her friend that she dragged around with a glorified title. oh yeah, and like half the school only knows me as “t’s girlfriend”. that fucking sucks. guess what the last thing she ever texted me was?; “I’ll always respect you.” which is pretty fucking ironic considering that she texted one of our mutual friends “r is so fucking stupid. ‘not an excuse’ kill yourself dyke.” really? your calling me a dyke, you fake lesbian (she’s bisexual as hell but every time she dates a woman she is suddenly a lesbian and hates men before dating a boy the next week). we dated for a good couple of months by the way and we’ve been friends since 6th grade, so me never talking to her again kinda really affected me. i mean, i broke up with her, maybe im not entitled to feel sad. i just… it was so exhausting being with her.
im just so exhausted.
i think that most close ive been to someone besides lily. im sorry im a coward and we’ll talk again. i feel like its been too long. i know you don’t think about me anymore, and i think im okay with that now. sorry I never said i love you and sorry me and our friends told ethan you liked him when you weren’t there. I never knew why you had a crush on him. sorry im so complicated. im sorry i let t lose that stupid fidget thing u gave me. i miss you so fucking much and im probably not worthy enough to say that.
okay, seeing everything ive just written, it’s definitely a mix of both opinions. im insufferable AND insecure, how surprising. sorry, im just in a shitty mood for no particular reason. like everyone says, im overdramatic even though drama is acting and everything im thinking feels so fucking real. maybe im over exaggerating, but it still hurts the same. hey b, i really hope i see you soon, missing seeing your face. is that weird? it’s true. i don’t think i miss you t, but i still have all those pictures of you saved to my phone. im too sentimental to delete them. i shouldn’t keep contemplating the past but nostalgia just feels so good. but hey, i feel better than before. maybe journaling is actually good for u.
peace out
-r
i just it started with my friend b. i love b, she’s my best friend, but i know im not hers. this happens a lot; anyone i care about doesn’t seem to care about me back, at least, not as much as i do. do i think b cares about me? yeah, but she’s my number 1 person. we’ve drifted apart a little this past year, but she’s my best friend! and ive been trying to keep us good friends, y’know. i try to set up for us to hang out and i text her and talk to her, but recently i don’t think she really wants to hang out with me. i asked her if she wanted to come over and she had to cancel, which i understand of course. she had an actual reason to cancel. but i told her to text me whenever she wants to hang out or whatever, and she hasn’t. we’ve talked, but only when i text her first. am i being needy? like, i have to be. she hasn’t done anything to make me think she doesn’t like me. i mean, she was there on my side when me and t broke up (thats a whole other thing i prob should write about since therapy is expensive lol), so maybe its just me? am i being to much? is my brain a fucking liar and getting me stressed out over nothing? idk.
this has been a common theme my entire life— i can’t get people right. i want people to love me so fucking bad, and then i run away before they can learn to hate me. it has to be me, right? im just unloveable, is that why they let me leave? is that why they can walk away without looking back? is that fucking why my dad can be fine without ever seeing me again? im so used to being alone that letting someone in is so scary.
also, i think im just a bad friend picker. take t for example, she is probably the most problematic and kinda shitty person ive ever met, and i still loved her. okay, maybe that description is intense but it’s fucking true. ask anyone that has ever met her. and I really cared about her, okay? why else would have she been my best friend and girlfriend for the past 2 years? she just… doesn’t care about people. first, i realized after we broke up that she is totally fucking racist. she white as hell btw, and I’ve seen her tell like random latino kids that she hopes they get deported next. like what??? to be fair, the group of boys were calling me and her faggots, but i wouldn’t have fucking said that to them. second, she likes to grope my friends and she was spending the night at her ex-boyfriend’s place almost every night. kinda red flag. i realize this if definitely off track from what i was originally talking about, but it’s my journal so who cares. it’s a public journal, but im really not expecting anyone to care about some girl’s complaints led emotions. i think im still mad at her for everything. she wasn’t a bad girlfriend, but i wasn’t really her girlfriend. i was her friend that she dragged around with a glorified title. oh yeah, and like half the school only knows me as “t’s girlfriend”. that fucking sucks. guess what the last thing she ever texted me was?; “I’ll always respect you.” which is pretty fucking ironic considering that she texted one of our mutual friends “r is so fucking stupid. ‘not an excuse’ kill yourself dyke.” really? your calling me a dyke, you fake lesbian (she’s bisexual as hell but every time she dates a woman she is suddenly a lesbian and hates men before dating a boy the next week). we dated for a good couple of months by the way and we’ve been friends since 6th grade, so me never talking to her again kinda really affected me. i mean, i broke up with her, maybe im not entitled to feel sad. i just… it was so exhausting being with her.
im just so exhausted.
i think that most close ive been to someone besides lily. im sorry im a coward and we’ll talk again. i feel like its been too long. i know you don’t think about me anymore, and i think im okay with that now. sorry I never said i love you and sorry me and our friends told ethan you liked him when you weren’t there. I never knew why you had a crush on him. sorry im so complicated. im sorry i let t lose that stupid fidget thing u gave me. i miss you so fucking much and im probably not worthy enough to say that.
okay, seeing everything ive just written, it’s definitely a mix of both opinions. im insufferable AND insecure, how surprising. sorry, im just in a shitty mood for no particular reason. like everyone says, im overdramatic even though drama is acting and everything im thinking feels so fucking real. maybe im over exaggerating, but it still hurts the same. hey b, i really hope i see you soon, missing seeing your face. is that weird? it’s true. i don’t think i miss you t, but i still have all those pictures of you saved to my phone. im too sentimental to delete them. i shouldn’t keep contemplating the past but nostalgia just feels so good. but hey, i feel better than before. maybe journaling is actually good for u.
peace out
-r
